Today/tonight is very strange. My life has taken multiple turns, dips, and dives over the past few months but most recently, things have taken an interesting and dramatic twist. I work for a startup company and it can be very rewarding but also very stressful.
I don’t want to get into too much detail but I as well as the rest of my team have been working overtime in preparation for a new launch, happening soon. As a result, last week I was extremely burnt out. I usually work over the weekend as well but last weekend I did not.
This turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes that I have made since graduating college (last December). We launch soon and there was a lot of work to be done. Since I didn’t explicitly say that I would not be available many believed that I would be and were relying on my help. A lack of communication on my part resulted in many of my team members working double overtime to cover for me.
I felt/feel awful about that. I felt that I deserved time off for all that I had been doing but I didn’t do it the right way. Upon recognizing my mistake I sent an apologetic email out to my team which was not exactly received in the way I would have hoped. They understood but were still extremely upset and now I have to prove my worth to the company (again). As I have more and more time I will explain much of what my life has been like within the startup community since I joined at the end of January.
One thing is clear right now and that is my frustration level. I made a mistake and I completely own up to it but my future rests on a 2 week stint now. If I do well, I am good, if I do poorly, I am out of a job. I think that is a bit unfair as I have been gaining credibility and proving my work ethic on numerous occasion. My thinking is ‘Because of that mistake this past weekend, I might lose my job?’ Really? I know I made a mistake but that seems a bit harsh. I haven’t been able to shake that unsettling feeling at all today.
I feel expendable (and this didn’t start because of the email). I have felt that way for some time now. I have tried to be a team player but I am disappointed at the thin fabric in which my future rests. I am not necessarily afraid of losing my job, mainly disappointed that something like that wold even be suggested. Thus is the nature of a startup when things are constantly changing and what you did yesterday is not what you are expected to do tomorrow.
It does make things difficult because there is no script to follow, especially if you are not a “core” founding member of the team. Mistake you (the founder) make can be overlooked because you are a founder but those of others can’t because they did not have an active role in building up the company.
I think my position is unfair but that is my opinion. It is hard but I will just do the best that I possibly can and leave the rest in God’s hand. In a weird way I am anxious but slightly at peace, as I feel like things are suppose to go this way.
Just wanted to share my struggle with you all. We all go through them and it’s ok to share it every now and then.